Freedom !

It’s been a long day and one that’s had its’ emotional ups and downs, but at the end of it I’m really feeling as if everything is coming together at last.

My real-life wifey, who is Chinese, left today for her annual visit back to see the family. I dipped out of the trip because at the time she was booking it we weren’t sure how the appointments and recovery from my varicose vein treatments would fit around the schedule. Although the treatments have been done I am still suffering quite badly with my legs, still have limited mobility, and often need my Tramadol even when I don’t go out anywhere. Plus, of course, I’ve been desperate to have some time on my own to let the inner me relax for a while. Wifey has tried to convince me to go with her on a couple of occasions and even today she rolled the dice one more time. Just before we left for the airport she telephoned her Mum to say she was just about to set off and then brought the phone to me, on speaker, so I could hear her Mum talking to me. None of the family in China know of my dysphoria, and wifey was translating what her Mum was saying … “Why can’t you come? … We miss you and want to see you”.

I have to admit that over the next few minutes I was welling up inside and had to subtly wipe away a tear or two.

Wifey knew that I was going to the Gender Identity Clinic the other week but has never mentioned anything about it since or asked how I got on. As we were saying our farewells outside the security zone at the airport she whispered to me that she didn’t want me to be “doing any of those woman things” while she was gone. This was hardly the time or place to raise the subject.

Having got back home my afternoon was spent preparing to go to the weekly Drop-In session at LGBT Health & Welfare in Edinburgh. I haven’t been able to get there since wifey was away in November of last year, so I have been looking forward to this day for quite some time.

In my usual slightly muddled way I hadn’t bargained for the rush hour traffic on the way there and so I arrived about 45 minutes after the start, but it is a Drop-In so people do come and go all through the session. Fortunately parking near the centre is very easy after 6pm and I only had about a 100 yards or so to walk from the car.

I have my wig now and I was going to wear the same outfit that I’d worn to the GIC, but the skirt has spent the intervening period rolled up in the back of a filing drawer and really was too mangled to wear, so I opted for my black flares instead.

I think all things considered I didn’t look too bad, and the wig tones in really well with the blouse. 🙂

Improving the look

Improving the look

There weren’t that many people there this evening and when I arrived the only person I could say that I knew was George, the facilitator for the evening, but I was pleased to see one young friend that I had met last year arrive a little while later. E sat down opposite me and as she was looking around the others present to check who was there she paused as her eyes met mine and I smiled and waved. She hadn’t quite been sure whether she knew me or not because I’m starting to look quite different compared to this time last year. When we chatted later it was good to discover that she’s working now and making some progress. She’s sweet. 🙂

Before my first GIC appointment I’d had a counselling session with George to go through what I might expect to encounter there and to get some confidence in being able to relate my story, and I’d found this very useful once the appointment had arrived. He was delighted to hear how well things had gone, and as we were discussing some of the events that I might want to attend this month he remembered that he had some information about a couple of things taking place nearer to home for me and gave me a photocopy of the poster for reference.

I had been perusing a cabinet of books and DVDs adjacent to where I was sitting, and just before the session closed I asked George if the DVDs were for loan. They were, so I hurriedly scanned through the piles while he went to get the Lending Notebook for me to log the ones I was taking. Part of the conversation earlier had involved the film “Kinky Boots”, a film that I had seen on TV many years ago and had said that I’d wished I could see again now that I’m fully aware of my true self as it would be interesting to judge whether my viewpoint had changed at all. Lo and behold, there it was in the middle of the pile of DVDs, so that’s one I shall certainly enjoy watching this week. 🙂  I borrowed seven in all, probably way above the normal limit, but I’m starting to like watching films again, at last, so I’m sure I’ll get through them all before next Monday.

I’d popped outside for a ciggy about half way through the session and felt perfectly at ease stood on the steps while the cars and locals of the city passed by.

I’d been quite confident walking from the car to the centre, but was even more so heading back to the car.

I think I can say now that Tish has finally arrived … and she feels wonderful!

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