Hi peeps 🙂
Sorry it’s been a while since I blogged, hopefully the following will explain things …
Yesterday I intercepted a comment from one of my caring followers wondering if everything was ok as I hadn’t been seen on the circuit for a while. As we have each other’s email addresses I thought the explanation was too lengthy to put in a comment reply and so began writing to her, but before I’d finished I realised that what I was really doing was drafting this post, one that I’ve been meaning to do anyway. So here’s what I’d written so far, and then I’ll “continue” with the rest of what I was going to say …
Hi hunny,Caught your comment on the blog 🙂 … Yeah, I’m still here ! … You don’t get rid of me that easily. 🙂Been really down since exploding about the problem with the T-Blockers and been hiding away in Second Life to sort of take my mind off it … Lots of folks have said “kick your Doc into gear!”, but she’s doing her bit.The problem is with the system, and I’ve been fighting that for almost 10 years now since my accident, so don’t really have the energy for any more.I won’t deny I’m pretty depressed about the whole thing, moving in to some fairly rapid mood swings lately, but I’d have trouble articulating it all to the Doc in a 10 minute appointment (as I always do) so I guess we’ll just have to wait until I explode at someone again – probably the Gender Clinic this time.At least getting as far as writing this you is acting as a sort of “dry run” for the long-overdue blog post about it, so hope you don’t mind me bypassing the system and writing to you direct.One thing it has all brought into focus for me lately is my home situation, how restricting it is for me, and how I really do need to do “something” about it … Because of the situation with my wife and her denial of the whole thing I can never really “be me” on a full-time basis, even though I’m indoors most of the time .. I DO need to address that.It’s also reassuring to know I have folks out there, like yourself, looking out for me … I really appreciate the love and support. My nephew and his gf dropped in at short notice a couple of weeks ago, ostensibly so he could have a look at what needed doing to my car but combining it with giving me the chance to talk to another human being face to face for once about things. We decided I need a “break” … some time away, even if only a weekend somewhere where I can “be me”. Finances being as they are that’s become my resolution for this year … “A” time away … a change of scenery for once.My contact at the LGBT Health & Wellbeing centre has also been in regular contact, giving me the chance to ramble on about things to her, and trying to encourage me to call their Helpline just to be able to vent, cry, or whatever. I still haven’t rung them …
… and at that point I finally tried to kick my arse into gear.
It had got to the point where I decided that I might give the Helpline a call, but I needed to try to do some work on the car while there was still some daylight, failed through lack of missing sockets in my socket set, and by then I didn’t really have time to be using the phone before wifey would be trying to call to tell me what time to pick her up from work. Welcome to my world.
Another disappointment that followed that was that the timings meant missing most of a small radio program which has become something of a beacon for me. I happened to discover by chance the other week that our local Hospital Radio (VRN Kirkcaldy – 1272MW) has a 30 minute “Tea Dance” on Wednesdays at 5pm, but with my mind caught up on these things and waiting for wifey’s call I forgot about it, just catching the end once I got in the car and switched the radio on.
Why should something as simple become the highlight of my week? Because, as I’ve said before, the sheer thought of gliding across a dance floor, especially to a waltz, just takes me into dreams of pure heaven! Ok, so a Tea Dance is a lot less formal and more the sort of thing that I might have a chance of actually attending one day, especially given lack of funds or storage opportunities for anything outlandish in the way of ball gowns, but in my mind’s eye listening to the music carries me away to a world of crinoline and organza with the swish of the material in my ears and for a few minutes at least I feel happy inside, in my little dream world. I won’t deny the fact that a few tears accompany these moments.
This also brings me back to the discussion with my nephew and his gf.
During the conversation, after we’d decided that a “get-away” was needed, John said that a gay mutual friend of ours, “V”, and his bf regularly go off to Gran Canaria. It seems there’s an area there which is very “accommodating” to the LGBTQ-etc community, to the point where the local police keep an eye out for anyone who looks like they may have different views and quietly “move them on” to other areas, thereby ensuring the safety of those wishing to express their true selves. From what he knew of it, second hand, he described it as an area which is surrounded by bars with drag performers and where how one dresses or presents oneself is pretty much “open season”.
This sounds to me like it could be worth following up with “V” because, assuming a budget were to become available, I could grab a cheap gown (and matching kitten heels) just prior to going away, lob them into a case with all my other girly apparel and accessories, find a bar with some good music and a dance floor and have a “modern” ball for a little while. “V” and his bf are fairly raucous characters so anywhere with them is always a hoot! “V” also hosts parties in his garden at home when it gets warmer, so John’s going to ensure I get an invite when they start up again. I’ve only ever been to one, but it was a great evening. (That wasn’t the one where the runaway BBQ dented somebody’s car).
I’m not into New Year Resolutions, but last year I told Danny that my “aim” for the year was to go out “fully” en femme for an evening, meet up with friends, have a great time and to come home again “happy”. I had included “have a few drinks” in that, and I seriously do need to find an opportunity to “socialise” with a Margarita or several, but getting out to the various evenings with the LGBT Health & Wellbeing group and their associated groups while wifey was away, “fully” as me, counts as a win in my books.
So, for this year, my target is to get away somewhere for a few days, even if it’s only a weekend down in London. My Second Life transgender friend “S” has passed through there on her way to Bruges and Cologne recently for some “time away” as herself, and she’s discovered a really neat little pub where the staff are friendly and accepting of her, so even that might be a possibility. (Oh, and she’s finally shared some selfies – and she’s gorrrgeous!).
In other news, I did manage to pick up a couple of nice pairs of satiny panties in the BHS Sale. Was served by the same guy who’d helped me decide on my cape a few months back, and he remembered me and we had a little chat, which was nice.
Not sure that was all I wanted to say today, but over 1400 words is more than enough for you to wade through, I guess.
As far as the T-Blockers are concerned I’ll probably give it another week before jumping on people. I need to get in the right frame of mind for that.
In the meantime I might still be a bit slow on the blog posts as I have an horrendous backlog of things I need to get finished in SL and my “usable” time is so restricted, but I’ll be around, somewhere. 🙂
Take care all of you … and I still have my Leibster Award blog post to do too!