Time for some self-therapy.
I crave dopamine!! I always have.
Just recently I’ve been fortunate enough to have been producing more than my fair share of it as I watch events unfold around me. But, this has a down side too. The sudden, comparatively huge rush of it compared to my normally dull existence has seen me lose some of my inhibitions as far as expressing my inner thoughts, to a point where I think I’m overstepping the line and need to rein myself in.
Last night I did some deep thinking about this and I was starting to see what is happening and, more importantly, the reason why.
I had been emotionally attached to someone for the past four years or more and, regrettably, that person recently dumped me because I was unable to give them what they needed. I don’t condemn them for it, after all I recognised that I was “falling short” of their desires and needs and even gave them the OK to open the relationship up when they graciously asked for permission to do that.
Eventually they decided that the grass was greener elsewhere, a situation not helped by the treachery of a former friend of mine.
Well, so be it. I haven’t changed my opinion of my ex. I still think dearly of him and we remain sort-of-friends. We helped each other through some difficult times over the years and I will always be grateful for the love and support I received. (Wipes away a tear).
But, this has to stop.
I’m sure there is a name for what I am experiencing, some syndrome or something-or-other, but whatever it is it’s messing with my head.
As my mind tried to analyse all this last night I realised that I am masking my own hurt by outwardly hailing the joy of others, to the point where I consider that I’m potentially interfering in other people’s lives. Whether this is true or not I don’t know, but I certainly feel it to be the case, and to do so is wrong. I need to stop it.
So, how do I achieve this? Well the solution has to come from within by defining the cause of it and rectifying the situation.
I see the cause as being some unfinished business regarding the break-up from my ex and some loose ends that I need to clear from my mind.
When the Second Life part of relationships end the “injured party” usually either throws their ex off their land, takes back all their items from the ex’s land, or both. This is not the case with us. We are both kind people at heart, the breakup was amicable, and therefore I offered to leave as much of the beer garden and other items at the bar that we jointly ran as my ex wanted. I don’t have a problem with doing so, per se, but I need to accept and file away the emotional side of this.
He and his new partner now enjoy running the bar together, and I hope they make a success of it. It’s a lovely place, and I don’t begrudge them the advantage of utilising the things I left behind. I just need to accept, in my own head, that this is my gift to them, a legacy if you will. These are not things that have been taken from me, really they’re not. Come on brain, do try to keep up!
It IS ok to have those things there. I really don’t want them to read this and feel in any way guilty about having them there. This is MY problem, and I’m taking ownership of it. After all, it is the least I can do after the generosity shown to me by my ex in the past.
There … THAT’s the crux of it.
GUILT that I was never able to match the generosity my ex showed to me over the time we were together. And from that I am reacting OVER generously with my joy for others whose lives are moving forward.
Got it! That joins the pieces together, so now I can retreat into a more normal and socially acceptable “watching brief” regarding the fortunes of others and just delight privately in what I see around me without anyone feeling that I’m “watching over them”. My apologies to all concerned.
And with regard to the dopamine, I need to find ways to make myself the supplier, not other people.
Damn, I think the bill for that session must be about £400. Yikes! … Will I take a cheque?