The “How do I die?” dilemma – no, I’m not thinking of THAT!

After the somewhat emotionally traumatic week I’ve had it’s been so helpful to have received a lot of reassurance and support from my readers and fellow bloggers. Thank you to all who have been in touch, it really means a lot.

I followed up on one comment I received by reading through that lady’s blog and came across something which has highlighted a dilemma I face.

What happens when I die?

Mum and Dad both passed away during the Nineties, and this was well before I had my self-awareness epiphany. They, therefore, only ever knew me by my male name and knew nothing of what was to come.

When Mum passed away Dad was still living in their home town, Reading, and he had her cremated and her ashes scattered in the Garden of Remembrance.

I was living in Wales at the time and Dad moved up there a little while later, living in a bungalow at the end of our garden which my then partner I had had built on a piece of adjoining land that she had purchased.

Dad loved that bungalow, and especially waking up each morning to the hillside view out of his bedroom window, so when his time finally came we decided to have him buried in the local churchyard so he could see that hillside for ever.

(Sorry, the tears are flowing ….)

To my detriment he still doesn’t have a headstone, but I’ve discussed the style with my daughter, we’ve agreed on what we both like, and I WILL have one made for him.

For my part I’ve also told my daughter that I want to spend my eternity with Dad, but here’s where the problem lies … What name do I have on the headstone when the time comes?

I’ll soon be going through the process of getting my name officially changed to Tish Wolfsong, but Dad never knew me as her. Then again, I don’t want to be “remembered” by my birth name, TNH, because for me that has never been who I really am.

TNH died seven years ago when I finally realised my truth, even though a lot of him lives on in me today.

I wouldn’t want to “sleight” Dad’s memory or belatedly offend the person I’ve looked up to all my life, and still do, but TNH was never really ME.

If you have any words of wisdom or comfort in this regard I’d be really pleased to hear them.

Thank you, and stay safe.

(When this song first came out in 1992 it touched me so much. I know why Clapton wrote it, but I also knew that it had a relevance for me that I couldn’t define at that time. Now I understand.)

3 thoughts on “The “How do I die?” dilemma – no, I’m not thinking of THAT!

  1. I am not sure if I can help. I don’t believe in an afterlife, so my point of view would be skewed by this.

    I feel that your father would not no and so it is doubtful that he would be offended. The people that would know, will most likely know you by Tish after your legal name change, so this should not offend the living either.

    It sounds like you had a loving father, and maybe he would have accepted you as Tish. Just a thought.

    I know this might not be much of a help for you, but I felt moved to comment and provide some kind of comfort.

    PS – Thanks for the link to my blog.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Stephie,
      All opinions are helpful.
      Yes he was a very loving father, and that’s why I don’t want to in any way detract from his memory. I do feel, at least hope, that he probably would have been able to come around to the idea of me as Tish, at least once he saw how happy it has made me.
      My thoughts about any form of afterlife are many and complicated, so I won’t expand on them here other than to say I like to have all the bases covered. 😉
      More than happy to spread your word too!

      Liked by 1 person

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