My brain is turning to porridge

Just over two weeks now since my first jab of Triptorelin (T-blockers). Yesterday I collected my new FREE wigs. Yay!

This week wifey, who subsequently claimed she thought I’d “forgotten” about this transition thing, started looking again for somewhere to buy, and we found somewhere that would be perfect for either her alone, or us. Oh wonderful! (sarcasm).

Poor Danny’s been stressed out all week because his cat cut a paw last weekend and has had to be left every day with a cone on so he doesn’t lick it while the antibiotics do their work. 😦

We received a “wedding invitation” from some friends in Second Life yesterday, and I’m going to be Maid of Honour *smiles*, and last night wifey mentioned the “D” word for the first time.

Some week!

Okay, so let’s try to make sense of all this …

The Triptorelin is great! Almost straight away I’ve felt so much more at ease with my body. Yes, it’s still “wrong” for me, but it’s like I love it more because now I really do know that it’s going to change for me and that my journey has really started. I still dislike my “man bits”, but I’m more inclined to laugh at them now than feel any dislike or disgust at them. Bring it on!

FREE wigs! Can you believe it?! I collected them yesterday and I love them. Much better quality than the ones I bought for myself, and the girl who’s been dealing with me put a couple of inserts into them so they fit properly on my larger-than-normal-women’s head. I picked tones for summer wear because I can get winter tones when I go back in 6 months for the next ones. Sometimes you have to just love the NHS. πŸ™‚

Last year wifey was looking for somewhere to buy, as opposed to renting like we are now, but had to stop looking over the winter because her bosses said they might be opening up another branch in Dunfermline, and she might need to work there. Now they’ve decided against that so wifey started looking again, and almost straight away one of the places we went to see was just perfect. Well, it would be perfect for the two of us in a normal relationship, and it would be perfect for her on her own. She made an offer well below the asking price just to get feedback on what would be the lowest price they’d take for it, and she’s fairly certain she can meet their needs on that. There would be no “chain” and the whole process would be simple.

Being that I was going over to Edinburgh yesterday to collect my wigs (giving wifey the impression that I was going to the GIC) I thought it best to remind her about my “situation” and, as we never speak about these things, I’d not yet told her that I have my diagnosis, so I made out that yesterday would be the day I get “the decision”. She was understandably fairly upset, especially as she somehow thought that I’d given up the idea of transition or living as female, despite a) the incredibly long fingernails, b) my hair now being long enough to wear in a ponytail most of the time, and c) the fact that last night she said “whenever you have any spare money you spend it all on those ‘women’ things”. Duh! … Danny thinks she has all the qualities to be a manager at the place where he works. πŸ™‚

So, Thursday evening was somewhat difficult to say the least, and last night was a real Bish. We did have a discussion about things, but even though I gave her the words “gender dysphoria” on paper so she could read up about it she continually made it clear that she sees my “condition” as a sickness that can be cured in some way with medication and therapy. She’s already “read about people” who have sex changes being “mad” and doing crazy things like stealing underwear from washing lines, and she can’t live with someone like that. *sigh*

I don’t know where she’s reading some of this stuff, but she said this morning that she’d looked up Gender Dysphoria and it IS a sickness that can be cured. WTF?!

She still flatly refuses to talk to any professionals or counselors about it because she says they’ll be “weird people” who’ll be biased and try to poison her mind.

As she kept on about never being willing to see me dressed as female I asked her what she thought she’d be seeing, so I indicated extreme make-up on my face and said about huge, sparkly gowns and asked her if that was what she imagined. She couldn’t answer, but I said that was so far from reality. Just a pair of women’s jeans and a T-shirt would at least let me feel comfortable, but she refused to even consider that.

At some point she did mention the “D” word, for the first time ever, but by that stage I was so brain-fried I don’t think I even responded to it.

I DO understand how devastating it all is for her, and it hurts like hell to see her suffer like this, but I can’t deny my real self … and I’m not going back.

Whatever happens I’ve told her that if she buys the flat I’ll do the extra boarding in the loft, which is something I enjoy doing and actually find strangely therapeutic, put a shed up with her help, and organise the little bits of professional work that would need doing.Β I hope she makes the right decision today and offers the price on the flat.

Danny’s cat has his cone off, at last, and the pair of them are both so much happier because of that. πŸ™‚ It’s horrible having to see him worry so much and not be able to be there to help. 😦

I’m going to be a bridesmaid in Second Life again in a few weeks! … WOOT! … I very much doubt it would ever happen in real life, so it’s a particular pleasure and honour to be asked. It’s nice to be involved in girly things, even if only in a virtual world. πŸ™‚

I hope you find enjoyment in your life, especially if things seem to be getting on top of you.

Stay safe. πŸ™‚

9 thoughts on “My brain is turning to porridge

    • Thanks, Isabella. It’s very hard to express joy in this environment where to do so just turns the knife in someone else. That’s why i’m such a miserable bish most of the time at home.
      But I’m hoping for some sort of compromise over the short term.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I worry about exactly what you’re going through hun. I wish you only the best. I’m here if you need to talk. Side note: Did you say free wigs?? LOL


  2. Finally found this blog of yours. It’s been awhile and I’m curious how your transition is going? Well, I hope. As a transwoman who took until age 51 to “figure it out”, I can relate to the later-in-life transition aspects. I was so happy when things were finally in motion for my transition that I made a tank-top that read “MTF at 51” in huge letters, and wore it (exactly once) during a 5K “rainbow run” during PRIDE here in Minneapolis, MN. Looking forward to reading more about your journey here!


    • Hi Mikki
      Thanks for stopping by, and for the reminder that I’m so behind in posting!
      Transitionally things are going slow but well, thank you. πŸ™‚
      That tank top sounds like the sort of crazy thing I’d do, given the opportunity. That’s why it’s so good that I have Second Life, because I can do things like that, and crazier, and people just accept it. πŸ™‚
      I will post a proper update for everyone soon.
      Glad to see that things are going well for you over there.
      Take care.


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