No names, no pack drill here, but lately things have been getting really knotted up in my head.
The situation is this.
I know a certain two trans* individuals, (not those pictured above), both in their 20’s and both beautiful people visually and personality-wise. It would be fair to say that I get floods of Trans Envy every time I see them due to the fact that they both pass particularly well. One is very feminine gender fluid, the other is transfemale.
Age Envy has been with me for a long time now as I have yearned more and more for those teen years when I wore gender-challenging things and, deep inside, wanted to cross over to the female I have always been.
What is making life really difficult for me right now is that one of these beautiful people has confided in me that the two of them are getting quite “close” and, without even thinking about where that could lead, the thought that at their age I could have met and fallen for someone of their ilk, had the world been a different place, makes the longing to relive the past explode within my thoughts.
Since adolescence I have had a recurring mental image where I am female, in a kitchen with another woman (that I assume to be a neighbour), sharing a glass of wine and having a normal, female chit-chat and a laugh, and there is a “spark” that suddenly lights in both of us as we brush past each other.
These two young people have made me aware for the first time that the other woman in that image could possibly be another trans woman rather than cisgendered!
So, not only do I envy them their situation and their individual hopes and dreams for their futures, but those missing 40 years since I was of their age are really grinding on me now more than ever.
Trans Envy all the time, plus blinding Age Envy?!
Pass the Prozac, please …
A thought for the day
Tish, sharing your age group although a girl never tells, I understand the pining for the beauty of youth and for the acceptance (very limited as it is) of transness and difference now compared to when we were young (er).
But I think this is universal as we age.
I have been looking through Pinterest today for pics of older women.
Wow! Look yourself and while they are no longer 21 there are a lot of women who haven’t given in to the ravages of age.
That is our challenge my dear.
We can’t do much about the suffocating culture of the past. But we can fight for our trans brothers and sisters and for everyone of difference and pay it forward by standing up to intolerance no matter from whom. And I say that as someone who is out to very few people. In fact I think it confronts people more to hear someone whom they believe is not possibly trans, vociferously supporting such people.
So, less pining, more makeup and grow old just a little disgracefully.
Thank you for your words of wisdom. You are correct in that, of course, I’m not alone in ruing the passage of time and wishing that life had dealt me a better hand. I was doing some additional thinking last night about why these recent events highlight this so intensely for me at the moment and I can see that there is more involved here as far as my overall perceptions and current weakness are concerned. I’ll be posting about this in more detail today.
I have made it my mission to pay it forward as much as I can through my trans* community work with Transgender Fife, by always being ready to offer support to anyone who seeks it and, indeed, by various aspects of this blog.
Whilst I am useless at makeup due to the lack of opportunities to practice my skills in that area, I certainly intend to do my bit as far as growing old disgracefully is concerned, you can rest assured on that count. 🙂
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